Hey Ma, I see you.

On July 22, 2007 I lost my son. He was just 3 days old and I have never received an exact answer as to why he is not here with me. 6 years later on his birthday his Dad died. We were not together at the time but he was my best friend and the only person that truly understood my pain. Let me clarify before I continue - I do not write this so that you feel pity or sympathy as I do not see myself as a victim. I am just someone that life has happened to. I experienced circumstances I couldn’t have foreseen or prepared for but they are my reality.

For a long time I was criticized, judged or shunned when I would tell my story of gain and loss and for a bit it kept me quiet and small. I cared about what those whispers sounded like. I wanted the acceptance of those judging me. But no more.

Yesterday I saw myself and truly loved myself for the first time in a long time. I mean REALLY saw and REALLY loved. I thought, “you have done and can do hard things. You bring light and love into this world while you are healing. You my friend, are strong.”

This is my 12th year writing a letter to my fellow moms and myself on Mothers Day. The message is forever evolving, much like me. It documents my journey of wearing and owning the title of mother without my child walking alongside me. The walk itself has been long and hard but I promised myself and Brandon’s soul that I would never choose the easy or man made, fresh paved path. That I would always walk in my own direction. I will honor my own soul because the biggest lesson Brandon taught me was that life was too short to live unhappy, unfulfilled or wishing you had done this or that. So I don’t and I won’t. I found my passion and ran after it. I laughed even on the hardest days and did my best to make others smile too. I have opened up my heart to give and receive love even though it requires vulnerability and sometimes heartache. I have the hard conversations and will never stop because while it makes some people uncomfortable it makes even more realize that they are not alone, it helps them see, own and more easily accept their truth which is cool because those are the people I’m in the arena fighting for. 

To my mom’s reading this, whether your story is that your child is sitting next to you thriving or your child never took a breath outside of your womb or your baby is still in your belly. Whether your child does not share your blood, you are a single mom struggling day to day, you are a mom identifying as a male or if you are like me are walking with the title and without the hand to hold - I see you.

No matter your story or your journey I have one message for you. The best thing you can do as a Mom is to live your truth and love yourself. Do not shrink yourself to make others comfortable. Stand tall for what you believe in and be passionate about every breath you take. Motherhood is hard and you are not and never will be perfect but every day you live your life and I mean really live it for you, you teach and show your child to do the same. When you fall and pick yourself back up you teach them grit. When you give away your love even on the hardest days you teach them vulnerability. When you choose what is right over what is easy you teach them courage. When you feel the fear and do it anyways you teach them heart.  When you walk in your own direction and speak your truth you honor them. When you walk as a loved wo(man) you show them true love.

To our children - I challenge you to see your mom for the beautifully flawed imperfect loving human that she is just doing her best you love you day in and out.

This is not the warm up. We are (a)LIVE. Give those babies of yours something to live up to. I see you Mom’s and I admire your journey every day.